Preinfarction: Decisions (P 2)

Yes, before a heart attack last weekend

After experiencing a pre-heart attack (myocardial infarction), I’ve confirmed several things that can help us live a better life.

Let me be clear: my life is far from perfect, and I have many flaws. In other words, I’m just a human being, surrounded by other human beings who also have flaws, sometimes quite irritating ones. Almost as irritating as my own.

Yet, in my home, within our family, we’ve chosen to live with joy, gratitude, dedication, loyalty, and hard work infused with love, cherishing each other deeply. At home and in my children’s homes, we approach life and its challenges with humor. We lead beautiful lives.

We strive to live fruitful lives, peaceful lives, emotionally abundant lives, lives of mutual support, lives of service, and lives with purpose.

I feel overwhelming gratitude for my family—my parents, siblings, uncles, cousins, and nephews. They taught me how to love. This is how I was able to build the home I have and nurture the beautiful, abundant relationships I share with my children and grandchildren.

I want to share some decisions that lead to better outcomes in life (in no particular order). This list isn’t exhaustive, but it gives you an idea:

• One of the most important decisions anyone can make is who they marry and build a home and life with. I’m fortunate to have Tis (Beatriz), my beloved wife. She is my best friend, my lover, my sweetheart, my partner in crime, and I love her deeply.

• The decision to love and care for my children. I have three biological children and a daughter Tis brought into my life—two boys and two girls. I love them dearly and would give anything, endure any hardship, to have them in my life. They’ve also blessed me with grandchildren who melt my heart. Being a father and now a grandfather is one of the most profound aspects of my life. It’s a school of love, understanding, and soul-fulfillment—not without its challenging moments.

• The decision to dedicate my life to serving something greater, the greater good, what some call “the source,” others “the creator,” and which I’m neither afraid nor ashamed to call God. This choice imbues my life with transcendence, allowing me to serve others not only as a clinician, neurocoach, and teacher but also as a human being. It gives me a profound sense of purpose and meaning. My life was one thing before I made the decision to surrender to God, and entirely different afterward. I like my life so much more now.

• The decision to live from love rather than from fear and mistrust.

• The decision to love our family. Love isn’t just an emotion that comes and goes; it’s the result of a conscious choice. Some people choose not to love anyone, perhaps because they’ve been hurt or fear the pain of abandonment or betrayal. I not only feel deep love for my sisters, nephews, cousins, and extended family, but I choose to love them and accept them as they are. They have almost as many flaws as I do, and I embrace them, honor them, and love them as they are—just as I loved my parents and the siblings who are no longer with us. This gives me a sense of belonging and connection that’s hard to put into words. How I love my family!

• The decision to honor my father and mother. This ledshe humble decision to seek psychotherapy. Even the most “well-adjusted” people need to work through things with the guidance of a good therapist—ideally a systemic one who understands family dynamics. When we don’t, we spend our lives chasing relationships with people who represent the ghosts of our parents, leading to decisions that can be deeply counterproductive. I’m not talking about years of weekly sessions on a couch, endlessly revisiting our relationships with Mom or Dad. Most of our emotional “knots” and limitations can be resolved with just a few sessions of good therapy.

• The decision to choose who I spend my time with outside my family. A select few who are my dearest friends. This also leads me to the decision to love my colleagues, my neurocoaching peers, who are always by my side. After all, what are friends but the siblings we get to choose?

• The decision to accept life as it comes. Not as I wish it to be, but as it arrives. This choice stems from deciding to live outside the Drama Triangle (Dr. Stephen Karpman). I strive to live as free as possible from blame, guilt, complaints, or tantrums.

• The decision to work on my inner self, to refine myself as a person, to develop mature empathy, and to learn to accept myself as I am. It’s about being open to examining myself and improving where there’s room for growth, strengthening my discipline and focus. Self-help alone isn’t enough. There are millions of people who read wonderful books and attend seminars, yet it does them no good. They continue living lives full of drama, with a need to control others (starting with their partners and then their children), trapped in cycles of neurosis. They may have certifications in every trendy problem-solving approach, but they resist change. They’re brilliant and energetic in preaching but poor in applying what they learn.

• The decision to see this planet and the world as a great school. We’re always in class. Every difficulty or obstacle is a lesson. The people in our lives—those we love and those we find hard to accept—are our life teachers. Some show us how to live; others show us how not to live. Those we clash with the most are the ones who polish us and strengthen our character. Like the smooth river stones we call pebbles, which were once sharp and jagged, difficult people have made me softer, with fewer rough edges.

• The decision to, whenever possible, approach life with humor. With joy and constant celebration.

• The decision to live in constant gratitude. This leaves no room for depression, hatred, or resentment. Even those we feel have harmed us become our life teachers, free of resentment.

• The decision to have a mentor from whom I choose to learn. With humility and gratitude. If they’re also a coach, even better. Beyond my parents and siblings, my first mentors and coaches, I was fortunate to have a great coach, Dr. Fernando Villa Uribe. He was also my best friend until his passing. He and his wife, Amparo, were a constant source of inspiration and learning. Amparo remains my friend to this day, after many years.

• The decision to practice emotional regulation in every moment. I learned this in emergency rooms, intensive care units, and other unique settings. We must learn to breathe slowly and steadily to activate our parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress in just minutes. The simplest form of emotional regulation is slow breathing: count to four while inhaling and four while exhaling—4x4 breathing, about four seconds each time. Do this for a few minutes, and the change is remarkable.

  If you want to go a step further, inhale for four counts, hold your breath for six, and exhale slowly for eight. I call this 4-6-8. Do it four or five times, then return to 4x4, and afterward breathe normally. This resets our prefrontal lobes, bringing back mental clarity.

• The decision to focus only on what I can control or manage. I can’t control a pre-heart attack, but I can manage my breathing and thoughts. This frees me from the burden of the past and fear of the future. I do my very best, with full commitment, and let the results unfold. I accept them as they come.

There are many more decisions worth making, as our lives are the result of countless choices—some made by others, but the vast majority are our own.

What decisions would you add? I’d love to hear your thoughts.